Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The Olympian is in my bed
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
