I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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