If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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