you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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