I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
