it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
