I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
