I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
