got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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