one might say we're banned from that church
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
