Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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