Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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