My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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