On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
