I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
