Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
