My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
two words...techno handjob
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
