a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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