I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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