Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
