I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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