I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
