he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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