I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
