my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
