i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
