I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
