He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i already hear my dad disowning me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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