Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just forgot I was standing up.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
