I'm drive I can fine osifer
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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