I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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