my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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