i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You made out with two different species that night
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
