he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
