batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
