there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
