We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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