Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
