If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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