I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
