Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
