As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
