I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
