you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
