It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Of course I have a pirate flag
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
