im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
