We got so high we made milksteak
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
