last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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