i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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