I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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