Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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