Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
