i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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