there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
