the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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