you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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