I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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