Your dad touched me again.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
