My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
