and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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