my phone needs a breathalizer
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
